As the season changed from summer to fall, I found myself reflecting. My summer was a whirlwind of fun, sun, friends, music, love, and joy. In fact, from the end of July to the end of August, I really felt like I didn't stop much - there was always another fun event, another sunny summer day. We did the whole week of RAGBRAI, riding over 473 miles across the state of Iowa. The weekend after that, we biked down to the Hinterland music festival, pulling our tent and supplies behind us. We camped three days at the festival (without showering) and listened to live music, danced, and spent time with friends all day, every day. The week after that, the Iowa State Fair started and I set a personal record, attending eight out of the 10 days of the fair. And I loved all of it.
The week after the fair, I suddenly had free nights during the week. And I noticed how good it also felt to be home and not have somewhere to rush off to. It felt good to rest, have some calm, and be a little more still. For quite a bit of my adult life, I have paid attention to the seasons, beyond the changes in weather. I love the spirituality that accompanies the solstices and equinoxes. I started thinking about how this summer and the transition into autumn were taking place before my eyes and also within my own life.
During the summer, there were times when I was tired. There were times I wished we had one more weekend with nothing in it between events. And in some years, I might not try to do it all. This summer, though, I had the thought that this is happening right now - event dates aren't changing to suit my energy level so if I want to experience them, I need to do it now. It made me think of plants - wildflowers grow in the mid- to late-summer because that is when the resources are available for them to do so. They don't have a choice of waiting until December to bloom and that's kind of what I told myself. The state fair is now - you can't move it to December so you have to live it now.
As we come into fall, I've found myself thinking about plants again. They are starting to slow down and lose their steam, in preparation for the next season of the species life cycle. I can feel myself starting to do that, both physically and mentally. I've been a little more tired. I've been more mentally distracted and a little melancholy. I've had more anxiety. And I've also been thankful for the reprieve from constant engagement and stimulation.
In the past week or two, this brought me to a stark personal realization. I've known for quite some time that I experience seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Everyone knows people get it in the winter and I assumed that was when I experienced it (because I do...lol). What I didn't realize was that I experience it in the fall and spring, also.
For over 20 years of my life, I have dealt with a binge eating disorder. Early on, I stopped the purging portion of this cycle - yet when I would get stressed or anxious, binge eating was there for me. Sometimes I would binge eat for several days in a row. Without going into all the gory details, trust me, this is a miserable existence. As I got older, I was able to decrease the episodic length of time, as well as the frequency of episodes. But it still happened about three or four times a year.
Last September was the last time I had a binge eating episode. Like any other coping mechanism or addiction, that might not be me LAST last time. But as of right now, it is the last time. That is the longest I have gone without having an episode. And I am proud of that fact.
How does this fit into everything? Struggling with some of the feelings (I'm looking at you, anxiety) I've had in the past few weeks and not binge eating like I would have in the past, helped me realize a pattern over my life. These bouts of anxiety (and when binge eating was in the mix, these bouts would lead to depression) occur almost like clockwork (seasonwork? Lol.) every fall. Last fall I missed a family trip to an apple festival because of it - in previous years, I've taken time off work, missed concerts and time with friends. I even remember being a child and having a weird feeling I couldn't describe during the fall and spring. Not using binge eating as a coping mechanism to ignore how I am feeling opened my eyes to a new way for me to view myself and my way of being.
I know I am sensitive to the seasons, to the sun, to the moon, to the time change (why do we still do that, anyway? *eye roll*). We all are. Maybe it took me longer than most to realize what I was going through and struggling with. It probably took me longer than most to see the pattern that was blurred by a now ineffective coping mechanism. I will say, now that I see it and acknowledge it, that makes it a lot less scary to me. It's not for some unknown reason - there are real, biological reasons our bodies and minds react the way they do to natural phenomenon. We evolved in the natural world, just like the plants. We ARE animals. I love that about us and I love that about myself that I am still in tune with that part of us that mainstream US society tries to ignore or call primitive.
I am finding beauty in listening to my beautiful mind, body, and soul. Sometimes that means being uncomfortable, sad, irritable, anxious - those feelings make us just as alive as joy, happiness, excitement, and love. My sister Kristen asked me the other day when the last time I felt truly alive was. I thought about it for a while - and I realized it was a time last week when I was hurting and sad and raw and I was crying on my walk and feeling my pain. I realized I had blinders on when she originally asked me that question - I was trying to think of a time in the last couple of weeks when I was mind blowingly exuberant and ecstatic. When I remembered my experience on my walk, I fully appreciated that being alive is both the joy and the pain. Fully appreciated it beyond an intellectual knowledge of it.
I'm realizing I have no witty, succinct way to pull this all together. So I will end with saying I am thankful I have the resources (therapist, health insurance, money, time, health, and more) to be able to heal myself on this journey through life. I am thankful I have the opportunity to continue to grow spiritually and emotionally. And I am thankful for those of you who I am fortunate to share this journey with. Here's to feeling alive - in all its bittersweet beauty <3.
