#Untamed Follow Up

 Approximately one year ago, I wrote and posted a blog referencing an excerpt from Glennon Doyle's book Untamed. The post talked about how we are all born to be goddamn cheetahs running free in the wild, but throughout our lives and various experiences, society tames us. We then end up being these beautiful creatures, trapped behind bars, not utilizing our talents and capabilities to our fullest potentials, and we simply fantasize or not ever know what running free in the jungle truly feels like. In honor of writing that post almost one year ago, I would like to reflect on the ways I have #untamed myself, as well as the ways I am still tamed.

Here are the ways I have become #untamed: 

1) I pursued a love interest for like the first time ever. I said goodbye to emotionally unavailable married men and confronted my fear of intimacy and abandonment for the first time in 27 years. I got to know someone, and am still getting to know someone, on a deeper level. I'd be lying to you if I said it wasn't terrifying. I'd also be lying to you if I said I didn't feel the most alive I ever have in my short 28 years of life. 

2) This love interest I pursued was first a friend and is now my girlfriend of almost, believe it or not, one year. I told my mother about me pursuing a woman before I knew it would develop into anything #vulnerable. My mother was supportive(ish) in the best way she knew how to be and responded by saying she loved me. She has directly and indirectly expressed her discomfort with my relationship, and I've clarified what is her concern as opposed to my own. Her and I have become a little distant since I've started dating a woman. I don't blame her; I know she is responding authentically and in the way she best knows how. 

3) I've said "I love you," more times than I can count, to a human that is not a biological family member. 

4) I informed my dad I was dating a woman prior to going home for Christmas. I generally don't ever inform my dad I'm dating anyone because it's usually not relevant (remember, I generally date emotionally unavailable people?), but this person felt/feels different to me. My dad responded by saying, "Oh yeah?" And then followed up by saying he figured due to my snapchats. My dad and I have strangely enough gotten closer over the course of the last year. He wrote me every week while I was away at military training for six weeks (see next bullet point). 

5) I went away to a 6 week military training only to communicate with my partner via weekly letter. I had no idea whether or not my relationship would survive that stint (it did, thankfully), but I did it anyway. I knew Kristen would survive the end of it all regardless. Talk about trusting yourself and your partner though..

6) I started a virtual book club with some of my people. I used to barely read and now here I am running whole book club with assignments, discussion questions and Powerpoints! We've met twice already! 

7) I quit my job without having another job lined up. My last day is June 18th and I still have no idea what I'll be doing, but I know what I don't want to be doing.

8) I'm moving from San Jose to Los Angeles because I can, and simply want to, no other reason.

Here are the ways I am still working on becoming #untamed: 

1) Overthinking. I overthink a lot. I overthink what others say about me or about my relationship. There is a level of confidence that comes with not over thinking. You know your path, you know yourself and you know that your own opinion is the most valuable, so you simply acknowledge the other opinions but don't dwell on them or let them dictate your next move. I'm getting better at this, but am still actively working on it.

2) Speaking out. I have begun to speak out more against racism and white privilege, and I don't just mean when someone makes a blatantly racist comment. I mean calling out the systemic injustices that come out through our actions, language and existence, and having uncomfortable conversations with people I work with or know on a personal level. This is a new and growing practice for me. I am happy to prioritize this area of work.

3) Saying no and doing what I want to do. I still struggle with trying to appease everyone and oftentimes sacrifice my own wants, comfort and happiness at the expense of others'. This has been a slow, yet necessary journey for me. I'm reminded by Molly (big sis) and my girlfriend constantly to put myself first and not take on the feelings or obligations of others. 

4) Comparing myself to others. This comes with the territory of overthinking. I still compare my growth, relationship, body, you name it, to others. It's damn hard not to do. I am more aware of when I am doing this though and try to be kind and patient to/with myself in the process.

Anyway, that's all I got for now, folks. I am by no means a fully #untamed woman, and I anticipate this will be a lifelong journey for me. Some moments, days, months and years may be more #untamed than others, and that's okay because life and growth are never a straight trajectory. I would love to hear everyone's thoughts on how they are #untamed and still becoming #untamed, so we can boost each other up and support each other on our pathways to be goddamn cheetahs. 

Peace, love and positive energy,

<3 Kristen

DOES THAT MEAN I'M NOT MAKING PROGRESS??!!

 A couple weeks ago, I was feeling really stressed out about work for a number of reasons. A severe case of imposter syndrome and anxiety upped the ante so by the time I had my therapist appointment that day, I was fully bogged down and ensconced in that prickly place in my brain. The place that tells me I'm one typo or imperfection away from being fired, that I'm not good at what I do, that I'm failing at everything, that I can't handle it.

I started telling my therapist everything I was thinking about regarding myself as a failed, soon to be booted out onto the job market grant writer. We talked through everything and at the end of the conversation, I was feeling more calm and like I had a plan in place. Believe it or not, this was not the highpoint of the session.

Up until this point, I had vented, worried, swore, and calmed down. By this time, we still had some time remaining and in the calm, I realized my therapist and I had had this conversation before - about work, about feeling like an imposter, about feeling like a failure - all of it. I told her this as I  burst into tears. I cried, DOES THIS MEAN I'M NOT MAKING PROGRESS??!! In the moment, it felt so scary. I have spent a lot of time and effort working on myself. The thought that I had regressed and needed help with something I hadn't needed help with for a long time - it felt like the rug had slipped out from beneath me.

Does this mean I'm not making progress?! I cry-yelled on the trail I walk on during my therapy appointments. The geese gave me the evil eye and hissed at me. It was in this moment of angst, and fear that all I had been working for had been for naught, that my therapist used an analogy I found very powerful and I want to share it.

She used the analogy of weight-lifting. When we begin weightlifting, we might need a spotter to lift 100 pounds (these numbers are not recommended, accurate, or anything other than made up to illustrate the point - the only thing I know is that I'm pretty sure I can lift 30 pounds without a spotter. Lol.). As we work, we might not need a spotter at this weight anymore but when we move up to 150 or 200 pounds, we're going to need the spotter again. It doesn't mean your not making progress. It means you're tackling bigger things. Or, it might mean that on any given day, that 100 pounds is heavy again. Even though you have been lifting 100 pounds for a year, maybe you didn't get enough sleep, you didn't eat the right foods, or you ran a marathon before you tried to lift the 100 pounds. Any number of things impact whether or not on any given day we need that spotter.

She said, it's the same with your mental health journey. When you first started, you needed a spotter more frequently and for smaller things. As we grow in our mental health journey, some of those things we no longer need a spotter for. We're working on the 200 pound mental lift. The 100 pound mental lift...we nailed that a few months ago. But sometimes, stressors in our life (and things that exacerbate stressors, like lack of sleep, too much caffeine, inattention to mental wellness practices, etc.) can make that 100 pound mental weight feel heavy again. And we need a spotter. It doesn't take away from the progress we have made - it means sometimes we need help. And that's okay.

I started thinking about the analogy more. Sports analogies make sense to me because I'm very active and grew up playing and watching sports. We might not need a spotter for the leg press but we might need a spotter on the chest press - we might need a spotter farther than we can see into the future for the damn chest press. There are some areas of my life where I needed coaching and I've managed pretty well (complete with bumbling and stumbling) after that. There are other areas of my life where I consistently need to talk through things with my therapist to feel like I can "lift" them. I'm getting better at all of them - just the way muscles strengthen with practice. But the chest press area of my life (usually relationships and my internal monologue) might always be weaker then my leg press areas. And some days, like that day a couple weeks ago, I might need a spotter in the leg press areas.

Another point that came up in the same conversation (I warned you - I like sports analogies) was that I wouldn't go for a run or do yoga or stay physically active until next week and all of a sudden proclaim myself done for the rest of my life. Like I'd made it, worked out enough to last me all my days. I started laughing at the thought - that physical health wasn't a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly effort. BUT - and this was mind blowing to me - NEITHER IS MENTAL HEALTH. I'm not going to reach some place where there is a golden halo placed on my head and all of a sudden, I've arrived. Mental health is like physical health in that I need to be intentional and practice, learn, grow, and work on the things I need to work on most days, every week, and every year of my life.

I have always been committed to growing as a person - to me that meant learning new things, learning how to love people better, learning to love myself better. I just hadn't thought about the fact that the same way I go out and run 4-5 miles even when I'm not training for anything, I need to practice the 4-5 mile equivalent of mental health work each day. My life is better when I do. And it's helpful to know it's not a destination I or anyone will ever make it to - it's a practice that, like running, I can learn to enjoy because of the benefits it brings to my life.

I'm still working on this...I see my therapists regularly but I want to put as much time and effort into mental health maintenance and practice as I do for physical health. This can be reading, listening to a podcast, writing, meditating and it doesn't have to be for a long time. I'm going to work on fitting these things into my day to day. I was depending on therapy sessions - and I need those, too. What I realized is depending solely on that is like depending solely on running for an hour every two weeks and then expecting myself to be able to complete a half-marathon seamlessly. And I'm not saying some people can't do that - the same way I'm sure some people don't have to break down to their therapist about being stressed at work. We all started at different starting lines with different abilities and coaches (or lack thereof) along the way.

I'll keep working on the chest press and maintaining my leg press. I know I've made progress, grown and developed...AND I know I still need a spotter some days, some weeks, some years. And that's okay.