Listening 103: An Anne Alesch Primer

Listening is a significant part of being able to be in relationship with one another. I could wax poetic all day about how it’s integral for empathy, wisdom, deepening bonds, and communication, but that’s not the point of this post. Indeed, you would be hard pressed to find someone who doesn’t think that listening is important, so I’m not going to pontificate about its significance.

And yet. Despite the fact that the vast majority of people would agree that listening is important, another significant number of people also complain constantly that humans suck at it. Now, I WILL assert that communication and human relationships are complex, so it is certainly true that listening will always demand intense effort, and it will never be a perfect dynamic between individuals.

That being said- I actually have to vehemently agree with the throngs of individuals that complain that people are generally poor listeners. Anecdotally- as well as probably research somewhere- supports the notion that we are not very effective and supportive listeners. I’ve witnessed just how damaging it is when people come to me and tell stories of how they are deeply hurting from having family and friends not listen to them. It engenders intense feelings of loneliness when others do not listen to us, and it also feels as though our worth as a human being is invalidated. It’s an incredibly painful experience.

Moreover, as I’m also a human being with thoughts and feelings, I’ll admit that I also have a pony in this race. I want people to be better listeners, and part of it is for my own needs desires. Now, in particular, I’m really, really tired of people telling me that I don’t talk about myself enough. What the what?! How does that connect to the topic at hand?! Yes, you read that sentence correctly, and yes, it’s pertinent to the subject of listening. You see, I am one of those rare human individuals that does not talk about herself or her life very often, and if I do, it’s not often a prolonged monologue. Do you want to know WHY I don’t talk about myself much? Well, there are several reasons, and one of them is because I know what good listening looks like, and most people are really.bad.listeners. Hear me clearly- most people are wonderful individuals with noble intentions, but they are still really.bad.listeners because that’s just how incredibly pervasive this endemic of poor listening is within our culture. (I could also go on a diatribe about why so many people are poor listeners- and I actually think most of it is because we aren’t taught how to do it or encouraged to practice it- but that’s also not the point of this post.) And so I’m personally not going to spend my energy talking about my precious thoughts and feelings to someone if they do not know how to listen and engage them. I do share some detailed stories, thoughts, and feelings with some people, but only if they are a diamond in the rough and I know that I am actually being heard.

And so, I really, really want to write this post with some basic guidelines and tips about listening to one another. I just want to set out a few practical guidelines for people because I KNOW that people have good intentions, but I want them to know that if they want to be good listeners in their relationships, they have to practice and be intentional about growing this skill.

Now, of course I have to have a couple of disclaimers before I launch into “Listening 103: An Anne Alesch Primer.”

A)    First of all, I am not perfect. I know that everyone needs to work on their listening skills, including myself. That being said- I DO think that I have a pretty strong leg to stand on when it comes to dispensing these guidelines, and I will admit that I do think that I am an excellent listener. First of all, I have a natural gift for listening. I am endlessly curious about other people’s experiences, perspectives, thoughts, and feelings, and this alone makes me a great listener because I genuinely care about what other people have to say, and I’m less concerned with hearing myself talk. Second, I am professionally trained in listening, and I do it for a full-time career. I’ve taken academic courses on the subject, I’ve been in guided practicums and internships, and now, I am paid to listen to other people for a living. So, yes, I have credentials beyond simply being a human being with this particular subject.

B)    …And now, before I get accused of being too bragadoucious, I want to say that while I am gifted in this particular area, I also am aware of many areas where I am abysmally horrible. For example, several wonderful people have tried to teach me how to crochet, and my poor little brain literally cannot pick up on this seemingly basic skill. So, while I am going to claim that I am gifted in the area of listening, there are many other areas in which I completely suck. Moreover, I also know that this means that not everyone is going to be an expert listener because some people are simply going to have more of an aptitude for it than others. I don’t expect everyone to be a professional listener; however, I do think that these guidelines are helpful for every day human beings conversing and relating to one another.

Listening 103: An Anne Alesch Primer

1)    Do not talk insert yourself into someone else’s experience and talk about yourself unless you honestly believe it is for the benefit of the other person.

I get it- we get excited when we hear about someone else’s experience and we realize that it connects to our own. And because we are excited about the connection we discovered, we want to talk about it! For example, if someone talks about a vacation that they are planning to the Bahamas, then you might feel excited because it reminds you of the vacation that you took to the Bahamas! And oh my gosh- wasn’t that vacation so wonderful and amazing, and HOW COOL IS IT that now your friend is going there?! You need to tell them about this amazing connection and about YOUR OWN vacation to the Bahamas! You want to talk about yourself!!!

No, actually, you DO NOT usually need to automatically bring your own experience into the conversation. Your friend is talking about HER vacation to the Bahamas. Let her talk about HER plans, HER excitement, and HER details. No really- please just be quiet for awhile!!! Maybe when the two of you are finished talking about HER trip to the Bahamas, THEN you can talk about your previous trip. Or maybe, you can bring up your trip to the Bahamas, but only if it is helpful to your friend. Perhaps she is concerned about how to rent a car, and you know a great car rental place, and so you suggest that you could connect her if she needs it. But only bring these up if your experience can highlight or emphasize your friend’s experience. Do NOT bring it up if you want to talk about your own trip and what it meant to you without letting your friend finish.

Seriously. Let the other person talk for awhile. You do NOT need to bring it back to yourself! Really LISTEN to the other person and HEAR their world and experience. Listen to what your friend is going to do on her vacation to the Bahamas, listen to what feelings she has, listen to how this relates to the rest of her life. When you bring up your own experience with your vacation to the Bahamas, it shifts the focus of the conversation away from the other person, and it dampens the connection between the two of you. Instead of your friend being able to share her thoughts and feelings with you, your need to talk about yourself shuts down that connection, and it invalidates her own experience of her upcoming vacation.

This guideline is true for every day conversational topics such as vacations, but if you think about it in terms of more intense topics, its significance grows even more. For example, imagine that someone that is talking about the pain of having just lost his mom to cancer. Can you imagine how hurtful it would be to be sharing about such a vulnerable topic and to have someone else take that away from you because s/he could not listen long enough? Because he or she could not wait to talk about his or her own experience of loss? It would be so hurt to feel invalidated and to not have the space to talk about your own pain and the memory of your unique mother.

2)    For the love of God, do NOT try to fix the other person’s problem. Seriously. Sweet Jeezus. DO NOT FIX!

Men get a bad rap about this one, but women definitely do it too. For the love of everything holy, stop trying to fix someone’s problem when they are talking with you. Many people know that they aren’t supposed to try and fix other people’s problems, but they still try and do it anyways.

I’ll give a real-life example for this one. Dissident Daughter Amy was searching for a new job during 2016-2017. And as anyone who has searched for a job knows...it’s a really frustrating experience. Amy would talk to family and friends about the difficulty of her experience as a means of sharing and connecting, and people would often try to “fix” the problem for her. They would suggest recruiting websites…they would suggest professional organizations…they would tell her to revise her resume….etc.

Now, don’t get me wrong- it’s not that those suggestions didn’t have validity. The problem, however, is that we often don’t want (or even really need!) people’s suggestions. Dissident Daughter Amy is incredibly intelligent and well connected- she was already doing a LOT of different things to find the right job. What she really wanted and needed was for someone to hear and share her frustration about how dehumanizing the whole process was. That it was frustrating, that it was scary, that it was challenging, that it was uncertain, etc. What she wanted was to be heard, validated, and to know that the people she had in her life cared about what was happening.

Now, maybe toward the end of the conversation, suggestions could potentially be helpful. But when we jump to “fixing” people’s problems right away, we don’t really hear or listen to them. It again shuts down both the conversation and invalidates the other person, and it does not allow for a full connection. Moreover, it’s really not even the point of the conversation the majority of the time. Most people are fairly capable of researching and thinking about their own solutions. But what they can’t do on their own is to have someone share the moment and process with them.  

3)    Paraphrase and Ask Questions to Invite Further Conversation

Okay, people. There’s a reason why it’s called active listening. And that means that you can’t just sit there like a bump on a log. I’ve seen many people who have mastered the first two steps that I mentioned (IE not talking about themselves and not fixing the problem). However, the issue is that they then seem to gravitate toward this “bump on a log” posture. They sit there, silently, and they just wait for the person to pour their heart out. And maybe the person does talk for a bit- they say several sentences. But...then the other person remains sitting there, still saying and doing nothing. It’s like they are so determined to not be an “overtalker” or a “fixer” that they have decided that they will say or do nothing at all so that the person has plenty of space to talk.

Unfortunately, that is also NOT effective. Don’t get me wrong- it’s an improvement from talking excessively about one’s self and/or fixing the other person’s problem. But it’s also just a little…awkward, and it's also not helpful. It’s difficult to talk when the other person is not saying or doing anything. You see, the thing is that when we talk, we still need cues and feedback from the other person. We need to have some sense that they are listening to us, and we also need to have some sense of what direction we should go with our thoughts.

How do you gives cues and feedback? Well, for starters, you can paraphrase. Recite back in your own words what you heard the other person say. This has multiple benefits- first, it lets the other person know that we are listening to them. Second, it allows the other person to hear their thoughts stated back to them, and this often helps them reach new insights and realizations when they hear it phrased in a different way from another person.

Or, here’s another easy tactic. ASK THE PERSON QUESTIONS!!!! This is a wonderful device to again show that not only are you listening to the person, but that you genuinely are curious and want to hear MORE about their experience. It feels a-m-a-z-i-n-g when someone asks us a question because we feel as though our words are valuable and that the person wants to learn even more about what we think and feel.

Additionally, asking questions helps people subtly think in a new direction and explore their options. And again, simple is often best. For example, someone was talking about how they want to stop catering so much to societal expectations with what their life should look like. A simple question might be, "What does that look like for you?" Or, "What brought you to this realization?" These questions help the person better articulate what they mean, and they may also reach new realizations ON THEIR OWN through the process! 

4)    Validate and Affirm

This one is huge, and it goes a LOOOOOONG way. Ultimately, many people really just want to know that their feelings are justified and that they aren’t ‘crazy.’ One of the most effective ways to support and listen to someone is to simply validate their thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

Let’s use a fairly common example for this one. Let’s say your friend, Jennifer, was just broken up with by her boyfriend, Matt. Now, many of us when we hear this usually go to one of three places. We may A) Get angry and threaten to beat his ass; B) Immediately insert our own experience of what it was like when WE were broken up with by our boyfriend and then we start talking about ourselves; C) We try to “fix” Jennifer’s problem. We start talking about the new dating apps she can use or how this means that she can really concentrate on her career now.

None of those are what Jennifer needs. Jennifer doesn’t need you to hate this person that she loved. If you hate the person she loved…it basically says that she was stupid for dating him in the first place. Nor does Jennifer need you to talk about YOUR breakup. For the love of God, she needs to talk about her breakup as it’s happening in the here and now! Not to mention- while you have indeed had the experience of being broken up with, that does NOT mean that your experience is the same as hers! And finally, Jennifer does not need you to “fix” her problem. She’s in pain RIGHT NOW, and she’s not in a place where she needs to hear about the future. I get that we try to do this because we want to "cheer the other person up" and we hate seeing them hurting. However, trying to “fix” Jennifer’s pain basically tells her that she is wrong to feel sad and that she shouldn’t feel that way. It invalidates her feelings and her experience, and it tells her that if she would only concentrate on dating apps and her career that she wouldn’t feel as crappy as she does now. It's not meeting the other person where they are right now. 

Instead, Jennifer needs you to validate and affirm her experience. And it’s amazing how simple it is. Something simple and validating might be, “Oh Jennifer. That really sucks. I know that you really liked Matt, and it must be so painful to go through this right now. I imagine you keep wondering what happened and what you are going to do.”

It’s simple, and yet it is SO HARD for people to do this. We get all convoluted with trying to fix the other person’s pain that we miss the point. The point is that Jennifer is hurting, and we just need to validate that it’s understandable that she feels this way. And when people listen to us and validate our feelings…it’s amazing. We realize that our experience is authentic and true. We realize that we aren’t crazy. We realize that someone cares about us.

Now, because this is a blog post and not a book, I’m going to stop. Obviously, we could add several other suggestions- I didn’t even touch on the topic of body language! However, I think that these four would be some of my top suggestions for the average human being. And like I said, I don’t think that everyone can or needs to be a professional listener. We are all skilled in various ways, and not everyone has the ability or desire to listen at a professional level.

However, we ARE all human beings. And if we want to have fruitful and meaningful relationships with each other- if we want to support others and have them feel heard and affirmed- then we need to intentionally learn and practice how to be better listeners.

Now, when you read this post, I imagine that several of you nodded your head and remembered occasions where someone didn’t listen to you very well. And I know that it sucked, and you wish that the other person had done better.

But, I also want to challenge you- can you remember all of the times that you were guilty of not listening? How can you improve your listening skills?

An Imperfect Halloween

I was talking to a friend the other day on the phone who was telling me that she had not done family photos for a really long time because she did not like to be photographed. I told her that I did not understand why as I always thought she photographed well. I said, “Even the silly photos on Facebook, I think you always look good” to which she responded something like, “Well, of course! Those are the best of the best and highly screened before they are posted.” I laughed and said, “Well, isn’t that what everyone does?”

I totally get it and I’m equally guilty. I rarely post photos on social media, but when I do, the pictures I post are the ones that I would not feel ashamed of printing up and hanging in my home or office. And I think that’s okay…on social media. However, people (again, myself included – I am not perfect!) sometimes try to also live their real lives like this: letting the world only see the “picture perfect” parts of their lives. When we are not aware of doing this or when we do this more often than not, I believe it becomes dangerous for numerous reasons but mostly because 1) it is hard to consistently live a lie and can result in anxiety, depression, etc. and 2) we connect the most with people when they see our whole selves including the messy, not picture-perfect parts.

This past Tuesday was Halloween. I did not post the obligatory kid-in-costume photo or family-in-costume photo that night or even the day after (mostly just because I didn’t get around to it as a priority) but I sincerely love looking at the Halloween posts on social media - the kids in their animal costumes that make you want to eat them up, the families that pull off some amazingly creative matching costumes, the people that can manage to get their pets to keep their costumes on long enough for pictures AND a walk around the neighborhood, the couples that are apparently budding artists who carve pumpkins together for date night. I love it all.

Unfortunately, this was not us this year. LJ had a costume so that was a plus but poor Daphne (our dog) got neglected. I didn’t even remember to dig her costume out of storage and she didn’t even get a picture taken. Instead, she just barked ALL night at the trick or treaters. Not that she cared; I am just proving my point that this year I was far from those people who get their pets to keep costumes on AND walk around the neighborhood.

We were also far from that family that pulls off amazingly creative costume themes. Hell, I only managed to scrounge something together at 5pm the night of Halloween by digging out an old witch hat that I had from about 6 years ago when my sister Amy and I visited Salem. So I was a little festive but I was by no means in theme with LJ’s costume which was a dinosaur. Larry, stayed in his lounge clothes all night while he cooked (thank God!) and handed out candy.

We did manage to get pumpkins this year. Larry bought them back in September from our CSA. However, it is now November 3^rd and they still sit uncarved on our front steps. Whoops. Guess we didn’t get around to that! Even if we had gotten around to it, I’m guessing that any grade school kid could have probably done a better job AND it probably wouldn’t have been done over some romantic date night. Larry and I probably would have done it in a rush while LJ was napping or in a fog after LJ had gone to bed for the night.

Anyway, I really wish I could tell you all that we had a Halloween that rivaled what appears to happen in pictures in Home and Garden and on Pinterest. The perfectionist in me would love to be able to say that. BUT the human part of me knows that it is somewhat unrealistic and okay to be imperfect. In fact, it’s more than just okay to be imperfect, I’d argue it’s necessary to be imperfect in order to connect with others and build deeper relationships. So here you go, I am finally posting my obligatory Halloween photo (see above). And while I do have a better, more picture –perfect photo, I am choosing to post the imperfect one (LJ is giving me a look of disdain and I could critique myself to no end) to sort of parallel this blog post. I hope that you, too, are able to sometimes share your imperfect photos as well as your imperfect selves.

Note: I realize that blogging about an imperfect Halloween is far from sharing some of the larger, more shame producing imperfections that some of us deal with (addictions, relationship problems, health scares, etc). In a way, it’s like a “first world” imperfection. But hey, we have to start somewhere, right? Also, sharing those seemingly larger imperfections on the internet might not be the first place you choose to share your whole self. J