Fighting Family Insulation

I am…strongly concerned…about family structure in the United States. There are many issues that one could critique regarding this topic, but in this blog, I am primarily concerned about what I am calling the insular nature of the “nuclear” family. I write “nuclear” family in parentheses as it is debatable as to what even constitutes a nuclear family. Additionally, I am well aware that there is increasing diversity with family setups in terms of lesbian/gay partners, stepparents, single parents, child-free, etc. When I say “nuclear” families, I am referring primarily to the immediate family structure... Ah hell. I can’t even define what I mean without a thousand disclaimers. Just let me explain what I mean with some examples.

I experienced firsthand an irritation with the insular nuclear family a couple of years ago. I was in a significantly different place in my life then than I am now, but I am still frustrated by the implications of this scenario. I was talking with some coworkers about Christmas plans, and one of my coworker was complaining about her parents. She said, “I mean, don’t they understand that my priority is to my own family now? I have a fiancé, and that’s my first family.”

I immediately felt as though I had been punched in the gut. You see, I was extremely single at this point, and so I viewed the statement through that lens. The implication from that statement was that everyone’s first and primary family was the one that they had with their partner. And so if someone didn’t have a partner, such as myself, then they weren’t the top priority for…well, anybody. They were the second priority and afterthought. It was a peculiar and gut-wrenching thing for me to think about. You see, I had grown up with four beautiful sisters, and so my primary family had always felt so large and welcoming to me. And yet…if we were to live by the implications of my coworker’s statement…I wouldn’t be a priority for my sisters once they had their own families. I felt so sad and invaluable when I thought about this. However, even in my emotional state, I had the cognitive wherewithal to question why we needed to place hierarchies on family members’ importance. Couldn’t we just say that family was important, and not try to rank people in terms of priority?

Two years later, and I’m in a different place in my life in a variety of ways. And yet- the insular nature of the nuclear family in the United States has grown increasingly troublesome to me. Now, I have even more examples of why I am concerned.

Here’s another example of an issue, although it is with a completely different family setup. I have many friends that have children while both parents work full-time. I don’t know all the details from firsthand experience, but I do know that it can be very challenging to try and manage everything. To work a demanding job, to raise children, to maintain a clean household, to invest in your relationship with your spouse, and to try and find some time for yourself in there. I just think that those demands are a lot to ask of the “nuclear” family unit. That’s a lot to ask of one household- to be able to accomplish all of those physical, emotional, and spiritual tasks and to rely primarily on each other to do so. Sure, there’s some help in there- daycare, coworkers, friends, grandparents, etc. But ultimately, our society is structured so that the immediate members of the nuclear family are responsible for fulfilling the majority of the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of the other members of the household. Wow, the weight of that felt even more intense after typing all that.

Here’s the other issue that I witness with this particular family structure setup. My full-time job is to support people that are grieving after the death of their loved one. And many of the people that I work with are grieving the loss of their spouse. And again, here is where our insular family structure has a negative impact on individuals when they do not fit within it. Many people feel so incredibly lonely after the loss of the their spouse. Now, don’t misunderstand - obviously, the loss of such a significant person in one’s life would engender feelings of loneliness. But I think that the loneliness and emptiness is exacerbated by societal structure.

I’ve worked with countless people that tell me that they are lonely because their own kids are grown and “are busy with their own families.” It’s ironic and sad, isn’t it? The same kids that were once prioritized as a part of the parents’ own nuclear family eventually start THEIR OWN nuclear family, and this seems to sever some of the original bond and sense of priority. And so, these men and women are left feeling as though they are their own single-person family unit after their spouse dies. I have countless people tell me that they feel like an “add-on” at family gatherings. I’ve had countless people tell me that they just don’t “matter to anyone” now that their spouse is gone.

I gave three very different examples in the blog post- one of singleness, one of working full-time with children, and one of death and grief. All three of these examples illustrate very different life circumstances, but I think that they are all united by the fact that they are limited and challenged by the insular nature of our culture’s family structure.

I write this as a pointed societal critique, which means that we are all subsumed under its implications. Do I think single people are bad people? Of course not. Do I think it’s bad to work full-time and have kids? Of course not. Do I think that it’s bad to feel sad after losing a spouse? Of course not.  Moreover, I could give several more examples that I didn’t even choose for this post- I am more than aware of the diversity of families and their makeup. When issues are this deep and structural, we are all victims of the issue.

The problem is in the way that our society structures its families. The family units are SO INSULAR and there is such a narrow understanding of what constitutes our immediate family.

   

I’m not sure what the answer is to address this issue. I do think that it would be helpful if we altered our living arrangements, and maybe we were more intentional about living with or by one another. I think that living closer to one another would help us feel more like people were a part of our daily lives, and thus an integral part of our “immediate” family. I also think that it would help out in terms of support and chores, particularly with the raising of children.

I also simply think that a cognitive shift is necessary as well. Do we really have to divide our family into hierarchies? If/when I get married, I don’t want to suddenly have my sisters become the second tier of importance in my life. My spouse would be very important, AND SO WOULD MY SISTERS. I wouldn’t necessarily need to rank them- I would just know that all of those people were very near and dear to my heart.  Maybe we just need to continue to expand the number of people that we love, and this means creating even more accommodations and compromise.

What thoughts do you have?