I Believe in Magic

I believe in magic. I do. You might think it's weird that an adult woman would say such a thing...it's actually one of the things I love about myself, one of those things that if it's gone, I know something in my life needs to change and one of the things I hope I never lose about myself. Christmas is one of those times when I love to feel the magic.

I'm not religious...so I'm not speaking from that point of view. What I do want to say, though, is that because Christmas has become and in our current US society is supposed to be a religious holiday (some Christmas traditions trace back beyond the advent of formal Christian religion and many traditions have their root in "paganism"...not the point of this post, just saying), if a person is not religious, I think it's easy to minimize or have a bad attitude toward the season and the holiday. Add to that, the rampant consumerism associated with the entire season and it's enough to make a person want to turn her back on the whole thing. 

I know...I've been in that place before. I'm not there now and I hope I never go back there. Because what I've discovered is...and though trite and somewhat crude...it is usually a mistake to  throw the baby out with the proverbial bathwater (I'm hampered with a rural Iowa upbringing and I blame my mother for these expressions...lol). I went through a phase where I was anti-Christmas/holiday season because I don't believe in the religious part of it and I am vehemently against the consumerism and perfectionism and stress associated with the holidays. And I was less. And I wasn't joyful. And there was no magic. 

So...about that baby. Keep the baby. Get rid of the bathwater. I learned that I don't need to engage in the consumerism. My family has created evolving traditions that aren't focused on that aspect.
And while some members of my family honor the religious aspect, I am free to honor what I choose about the season. 

I love what I feel is the MAGIC of the holidays and Christmas. And for me, that is the love that comes with it, the lights, decorating my mom's homemade sugar cookies (the best in the land!), the holiday leggings and ugly Christmas sweaters (every day the week before Christmas!), the music that reminds me of Christmases when I believed in Santa Claus and piling in the car to drive around looking at Christmas lights. It is the shared experiences we are blessed to have together to create new memories, and the time for inward reflection the season seems to so effortlessly evoke. Even traditions that aren't a person's favorite...sometimes the point isn't the tradition, it's sharing the experience with people you love and care about and creating memories. 

A couple weekends ago, my mom, my sister Anne and I took my nephew Trevor (9) and my niece Brooklyn (4) to the Living History Farms Family Christmas. I'm still trying to figure out who had more fun...me and Anne or the kids (or...we might have still been the kids. Ha, ha!). We decorated paper bag puppet reindeer, told Santa what we wanted for Christmas and danced. 

This has quickly become one of my favorite life memories, even though it just happened a couple weeks ago. Anne and I partnered with Trevor and Brooklyn and danced a Russian dance called "Sasha". We had so much fun that we all wanted to go back to the church, where the dancing was, to dance again...and the caller knew we loved that song so much he said, "What do you think...should we do Sasha again?!" And we all cheered and danced. It was so much fun that we're going to play the YouTube version over the holidays and dance when we're all together. It didn't matter if the rest of the world was running around buying things nobody needs...we were in our own little magical memory.

I can't adequately express in words how much that memory, those moments, that fun, this magic means to me. And I am fortunate enough to have a lifetime of them and fortunate enough to be able to create more. That, for me, is what the holidays are about. And not only the holidays but the magic of life. I can tell when I need to change something in my life because I won't be on the same wavelength as the magic, the joy...I won't feel it and I will let all of those other things (the critiques, the judginess...the bathwater!) in, at the expense of the magic.

That's why I believe in magic...and why I believe we need to spend less time criticizing and judging from atop our soap boxes and high horses and spend more time focusing on the places and people who evoke magic for us. We make our lives and our experiences what we focus on...we choose what we let into our lives and our minds...and I hope we all choose to let the magic, whatever that looks like for each one of us, inside and play with it.

Chase the Leprechaun

“Get down! Shhh, he may see you!” I said.

“Who, Krissie, who?” Trevor questioned.

“Is this real?” Brooklyn shakily inquired.

Baby LJ looked around at each of us with a mesmerized gaze.

I responded, “The leprechaun.”

And so the quest began…

Every Thanksgiving I get the privilege to visit my sister Molly out in Stoughton, MA. Aside from the week being filled with delicious food and an abundance of alcohol, this is one of my favorite holidays. It is one of my favorite holidays because it emulates what a true community looks like. Larry’s family, my sister Jill and her family, my dad, and Larry and Molly’s old and new family friends, all come together for the day and be. I do not have much of a detailed history with anyone at the gathering, with the exception of my immediate family, but on this day we are all separate components placed together to make up one.

On top of everything that already makes Thanksgiving one of my favorite holidays, I am particularly fond of a specific memory from the week. While my brother-in-law, Larry, prepared the food, Molly tidied up the house, John and Pop watched football, and while Jill did every little task she could get her hands on, I was put on full blown aunt duty. I had all three kids: Trevor (9), Brooklyn (4), and LJ (1) to entertain, and I knew finding a game that would attract mutual prolonged interest would be difficult, so naturally we went outside, to at the very least, get out of everyone else’s hair.

Molly and Larry live in a very nice neighborhood and have a very keen backyard. Their backyard is full of trees and has a little dried up stream running through it. I decided that we would go exploring to see what we could find in the woods. As we began our journey, I suddenly got into my own imagination. As you see in the dialogue above, I created this mission where our purpose was to go through all of these obstacles in order to find the leprechaun. Why a leprechaun? You ask. To be honest, I do not know, it was something that I just felt in the moment and went with.

The journey began with us casually walking in the shallow entrance of the woods. All of a sudden we heard a rustling in the woods, and it turned out it was an elf. Frightened at first we crouched down and took shelter. After speaking with the elf who had a firm, loud voice, Trevor discovered the elf only wanted to help us find the leprechaun. He gave us a little bit of direction where to go next, so we continued on our journey. We then stumbled across a dismantled plane. Pilot Parker, who started on the journey prior to us, crashed his plane in search of the leprechaun. We were sad to hear about Pilot Parker, but we kept on moving. Then, all of a sudden, we heard this disgruntled growl! There was a bear among us! At this point in time I had Trevor stating this isn’t real, Brooklyn putting her hands around LJ’s head and telling him it wasn’t real and to not worry, and LJ staring blankly at all of us. The growling continued and next thing you know; Brooklyn ran away screaming because she got too enthralled in the story.

Searching for the leprechaun was one of my fondest memories, not just over Thanksgiving, but of all time because I was given the opportunity to be imaginative and magical with my three favorite little humans. Each and every one of us played a role in the quest and had to use our imaginations in some sort of capacity for the theme to progress. Trevor was the leader who was in charge of killing the bad guys and protecting us. Brooklyn was in charge of strategy; she would tell us when to be quiet and point to where the bad guys were. LJ was in charge of sending the message down the line by reiterating what Brooklyn and Trevor had already said and did. He’s super good at saying “shhh!” I, of course, was the creator.

Our map to find the Leprechaun 

This experience captured the essence of childhood perfectly. Trevor, who is 9 years old, is right on the cusp of being a kid and being a teenager. He wants to play pretend, but also feels like he should be doing more realistic activities that match his friends’ interests, such as trivia crack and rough housing. This could be seen when Trevor rapidly blurted out, “This isn’t real,” to me and his sister. Trevor began the statement with confidence, then kind of tailed off at the end of his statement because he didn’t want to ruin it for the two young ins, as well as himself. Brooklyn, who is 4 years old, was wholeheartedly involved and committed to the game. She is very much still a child and holds the innocence of a child that has not yet been lied to by society and/or let the negativity of the world yet reach her. This could be seen when she was comforting LJ telling him it wasn’t real, and then ran away screaming because she couldn’t convince herself that it wasn’t real. Brooklyn believed in the game because I, an adult, believed in the game and no one had ever told her otherwise. LJ, who is 1-year-old, is still learning and developing. He is in awe of everything around him, from the rocks on the trail to his crazy cousins and cuckoo aunt. He mimics what he sees, but doesn’t quite know why he’s mimicking.

This experience was also refreshing to my 24-year-old self. I am often times questioning what I am doing with my life, my career, my hobbies and relationships, yet in this moment everything seemed so clear. I was with the people I love using my imagination and magic, tackling the obstacles thrown our way, searching for something bigger than ourselves. It’s so easy to focus on the next move in life, the bills left to pay and the dishes that need to get done, and this experience was a reminder that one is never too old to take a step back from reality and chase the leprechaun. One day, I hope to find him, and I hope that you too, consider joining the journey.

Listening 103: An Anne Alesch Primer

Listening is a significant part of being able to be in relationship with one another. I could wax poetic all day about how it’s integral for empathy, wisdom, deepening bonds, and communication, but that’s not the point of this post. Indeed, you would be hard pressed to find someone who doesn’t think that listening is important, so I’m not going to pontificate about its significance.

And yet. Despite the fact that the vast majority of people would agree that listening is important, another significant number of people also complain constantly that humans suck at it. Now, I WILL assert that communication and human relationships are complex, so it is certainly true that listening will always demand intense effort, and it will never be a perfect dynamic between individuals.

That being said- I actually have to vehemently agree with the throngs of individuals that complain that people are generally poor listeners. Anecdotally- as well as probably research somewhere- supports the notion that we are not very effective and supportive listeners. I’ve witnessed just how damaging it is when people come to me and tell stories of how they are deeply hurting from having family and friends not listen to them. It engenders intense feelings of loneliness when others do not listen to us, and it also feels as though our worth as a human being is invalidated. It’s an incredibly painful experience.

Moreover, as I’m also a human being with thoughts and feelings, I’ll admit that I also have a pony in this race. I want people to be better listeners, and part of it is for my own needs desires. Now, in particular, I’m really, really tired of people telling me that I don’t talk about myself enough. What the what?! How does that connect to the topic at hand?! Yes, you read that sentence correctly, and yes, it’s pertinent to the subject of listening. You see, I am one of those rare human individuals that does not talk about herself or her life very often, and if I do, it’s not often a prolonged monologue. Do you want to know WHY I don’t talk about myself much? Well, there are several reasons, and one of them is because I know what good listening looks like, and most people are really.bad.listeners. Hear me clearly- most people are wonderful individuals with noble intentions, but they are still really.bad.listeners because that’s just how incredibly pervasive this endemic of poor listening is within our culture. (I could also go on a diatribe about why so many people are poor listeners- and I actually think most of it is because we aren’t taught how to do it or encouraged to practice it- but that’s also not the point of this post.) And so I’m personally not going to spend my energy talking about my precious thoughts and feelings to someone if they do not know how to listen and engage them. I do share some detailed stories, thoughts, and feelings with some people, but only if they are a diamond in the rough and I know that I am actually being heard.

And so, I really, really want to write this post with some basic guidelines and tips about listening to one another. I just want to set out a few practical guidelines for people because I KNOW that people have good intentions, but I want them to know that if they want to be good listeners in their relationships, they have to practice and be intentional about growing this skill.

Now, of course I have to have a couple of disclaimers before I launch into “Listening 103: An Anne Alesch Primer.”

A)    First of all, I am not perfect. I know that everyone needs to work on their listening skills, including myself. That being said- I DO think that I have a pretty strong leg to stand on when it comes to dispensing these guidelines, and I will admit that I do think that I am an excellent listener. First of all, I have a natural gift for listening. I am endlessly curious about other people’s experiences, perspectives, thoughts, and feelings, and this alone makes me a great listener because I genuinely care about what other people have to say, and I’m less concerned with hearing myself talk. Second, I am professionally trained in listening, and I do it for a full-time career. I’ve taken academic courses on the subject, I’ve been in guided practicums and internships, and now, I am paid to listen to other people for a living. So, yes, I have credentials beyond simply being a human being with this particular subject.

B)    …And now, before I get accused of being too bragadoucious, I want to say that while I am gifted in this particular area, I also am aware of many areas where I am abysmally horrible. For example, several wonderful people have tried to teach me how to crochet, and my poor little brain literally cannot pick up on this seemingly basic skill. So, while I am going to claim that I am gifted in the area of listening, there are many other areas in which I completely suck. Moreover, I also know that this means that not everyone is going to be an expert listener because some people are simply going to have more of an aptitude for it than others. I don’t expect everyone to be a professional listener; however, I do think that these guidelines are helpful for every day human beings conversing and relating to one another.

Listening 103: An Anne Alesch Primer

1)    Do not talk insert yourself into someone else’s experience and talk about yourself unless you honestly believe it is for the benefit of the other person.

I get it- we get excited when we hear about someone else’s experience and we realize that it connects to our own. And because we are excited about the connection we discovered, we want to talk about it! For example, if someone talks about a vacation that they are planning to the Bahamas, then you might feel excited because it reminds you of the vacation that you took to the Bahamas! And oh my gosh- wasn’t that vacation so wonderful and amazing, and HOW COOL IS IT that now your friend is going there?! You need to tell them about this amazing connection and about YOUR OWN vacation to the Bahamas! You want to talk about yourself!!!

No, actually, you DO NOT usually need to automatically bring your own experience into the conversation. Your friend is talking about HER vacation to the Bahamas. Let her talk about HER plans, HER excitement, and HER details. No really- please just be quiet for awhile!!! Maybe when the two of you are finished talking about HER trip to the Bahamas, THEN you can talk about your previous trip. Or maybe, you can bring up your trip to the Bahamas, but only if it is helpful to your friend. Perhaps she is concerned about how to rent a car, and you know a great car rental place, and so you suggest that you could connect her if she needs it. But only bring these up if your experience can highlight or emphasize your friend’s experience. Do NOT bring it up if you want to talk about your own trip and what it meant to you without letting your friend finish.

Seriously. Let the other person talk for awhile. You do NOT need to bring it back to yourself! Really LISTEN to the other person and HEAR their world and experience. Listen to what your friend is going to do on her vacation to the Bahamas, listen to what feelings she has, listen to how this relates to the rest of her life. When you bring up your own experience with your vacation to the Bahamas, it shifts the focus of the conversation away from the other person, and it dampens the connection between the two of you. Instead of your friend being able to share her thoughts and feelings with you, your need to talk about yourself shuts down that connection, and it invalidates her own experience of her upcoming vacation.

This guideline is true for every day conversational topics such as vacations, but if you think about it in terms of more intense topics, its significance grows even more. For example, imagine that someone that is talking about the pain of having just lost his mom to cancer. Can you imagine how hurtful it would be to be sharing about such a vulnerable topic and to have someone else take that away from you because s/he could not listen long enough? Because he or she could not wait to talk about his or her own experience of loss? It would be so hurt to feel invalidated and to not have the space to talk about your own pain and the memory of your unique mother.

2)    For the love of God, do NOT try to fix the other person’s problem. Seriously. Sweet Jeezus. DO NOT FIX!

Men get a bad rap about this one, but women definitely do it too. For the love of everything holy, stop trying to fix someone’s problem when they are talking with you. Many people know that they aren’t supposed to try and fix other people’s problems, but they still try and do it anyways.

I’ll give a real-life example for this one. Dissident Daughter Amy was searching for a new job during 2016-2017. And as anyone who has searched for a job knows...it’s a really frustrating experience. Amy would talk to family and friends about the difficulty of her experience as a means of sharing and connecting, and people would often try to “fix” the problem for her. They would suggest recruiting websites…they would suggest professional organizations…they would tell her to revise her resume….etc.

Now, don’t get me wrong- it’s not that those suggestions didn’t have validity. The problem, however, is that we often don’t want (or even really need!) people’s suggestions. Dissident Daughter Amy is incredibly intelligent and well connected- she was already doing a LOT of different things to find the right job. What she really wanted and needed was for someone to hear and share her frustration about how dehumanizing the whole process was. That it was frustrating, that it was scary, that it was challenging, that it was uncertain, etc. What she wanted was to be heard, validated, and to know that the people she had in her life cared about what was happening.

Now, maybe toward the end of the conversation, suggestions could potentially be helpful. But when we jump to “fixing” people’s problems right away, we don’t really hear or listen to them. It again shuts down both the conversation and invalidates the other person, and it does not allow for a full connection. Moreover, it’s really not even the point of the conversation the majority of the time. Most people are fairly capable of researching and thinking about their own solutions. But what they can’t do on their own is to have someone share the moment and process with them.  

3)    Paraphrase and Ask Questions to Invite Further Conversation

Okay, people. There’s a reason why it’s called active listening. And that means that you can’t just sit there like a bump on a log. I’ve seen many people who have mastered the first two steps that I mentioned (IE not talking about themselves and not fixing the problem). However, the issue is that they then seem to gravitate toward this “bump on a log” posture. They sit there, silently, and they just wait for the person to pour their heart out. And maybe the person does talk for a bit- they say several sentences. But...then the other person remains sitting there, still saying and doing nothing. It’s like they are so determined to not be an “overtalker” or a “fixer” that they have decided that they will say or do nothing at all so that the person has plenty of space to talk.

Unfortunately, that is also NOT effective. Don’t get me wrong- it’s an improvement from talking excessively about one’s self and/or fixing the other person’s problem. But it’s also just a little…awkward, and it's also not helpful. It’s difficult to talk when the other person is not saying or doing anything. You see, the thing is that when we talk, we still need cues and feedback from the other person. We need to have some sense that they are listening to us, and we also need to have some sense of what direction we should go with our thoughts.

How do you gives cues and feedback? Well, for starters, you can paraphrase. Recite back in your own words what you heard the other person say. This has multiple benefits- first, it lets the other person know that we are listening to them. Second, it allows the other person to hear their thoughts stated back to them, and this often helps them reach new insights and realizations when they hear it phrased in a different way from another person.

Or, here’s another easy tactic. ASK THE PERSON QUESTIONS!!!! This is a wonderful device to again show that not only are you listening to the person, but that you genuinely are curious and want to hear MORE about their experience. It feels a-m-a-z-i-n-g when someone asks us a question because we feel as though our words are valuable and that the person wants to learn even more about what we think and feel.

Additionally, asking questions helps people subtly think in a new direction and explore their options. And again, simple is often best. For example, someone was talking about how they want to stop catering so much to societal expectations with what their life should look like. A simple question might be, "What does that look like for you?" Or, "What brought you to this realization?" These questions help the person better articulate what they mean, and they may also reach new realizations ON THEIR OWN through the process! 

4)    Validate and Affirm

This one is huge, and it goes a LOOOOOONG way. Ultimately, many people really just want to know that their feelings are justified and that they aren’t ‘crazy.’ One of the most effective ways to support and listen to someone is to simply validate their thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

Let’s use a fairly common example for this one. Let’s say your friend, Jennifer, was just broken up with by her boyfriend, Matt. Now, many of us when we hear this usually go to one of three places. We may A) Get angry and threaten to beat his ass; B) Immediately insert our own experience of what it was like when WE were broken up with by our boyfriend and then we start talking about ourselves; C) We try to “fix” Jennifer’s problem. We start talking about the new dating apps she can use or how this means that she can really concentrate on her career now.

None of those are what Jennifer needs. Jennifer doesn’t need you to hate this person that she loved. If you hate the person she loved…it basically says that she was stupid for dating him in the first place. Nor does Jennifer need you to talk about YOUR breakup. For the love of God, she needs to talk about her breakup as it’s happening in the here and now! Not to mention- while you have indeed had the experience of being broken up with, that does NOT mean that your experience is the same as hers! And finally, Jennifer does not need you to “fix” her problem. She’s in pain RIGHT NOW, and she’s not in a place where she needs to hear about the future. I get that we try to do this because we want to "cheer the other person up" and we hate seeing them hurting. However, trying to “fix” Jennifer’s pain basically tells her that she is wrong to feel sad and that she shouldn’t feel that way. It invalidates her feelings and her experience, and it tells her that if she would only concentrate on dating apps and her career that she wouldn’t feel as crappy as she does now. It's not meeting the other person where they are right now. 

Instead, Jennifer needs you to validate and affirm her experience. And it’s amazing how simple it is. Something simple and validating might be, “Oh Jennifer. That really sucks. I know that you really liked Matt, and it must be so painful to go through this right now. I imagine you keep wondering what happened and what you are going to do.”

It’s simple, and yet it is SO HARD for people to do this. We get all convoluted with trying to fix the other person’s pain that we miss the point. The point is that Jennifer is hurting, and we just need to validate that it’s understandable that she feels this way. And when people listen to us and validate our feelings…it’s amazing. We realize that our experience is authentic and true. We realize that we aren’t crazy. We realize that someone cares about us.

Now, because this is a blog post and not a book, I’m going to stop. Obviously, we could add several other suggestions- I didn’t even touch on the topic of body language! However, I think that these four would be some of my top suggestions for the average human being. And like I said, I don’t think that everyone can or needs to be a professional listener. We are all skilled in various ways, and not everyone has the ability or desire to listen at a professional level.

However, we ARE all human beings. And if we want to have fruitful and meaningful relationships with each other- if we want to support others and have them feel heard and affirmed- then we need to intentionally learn and practice how to be better listeners.

Now, when you read this post, I imagine that several of you nodded your head and remembered occasions where someone didn’t listen to you very well. And I know that it sucked, and you wish that the other person had done better.

But, I also want to challenge you- can you remember all of the times that you were guilty of not listening? How can you improve your listening skills?

An Imperfect Halloween

I was talking to a friend the other day on the phone who was telling me that she had not done family photos for a really long time because she did not like to be photographed. I told her that I did not understand why as I always thought she photographed well. I said, “Even the silly photos on Facebook, I think you always look good” to which she responded something like, “Well, of course! Those are the best of the best and highly screened before they are posted.” I laughed and said, “Well, isn’t that what everyone does?”

I totally get it and I’m equally guilty. I rarely post photos on social media, but when I do, the pictures I post are the ones that I would not feel ashamed of printing up and hanging in my home or office. And I think that’s okay…on social media. However, people (again, myself included – I am not perfect!) sometimes try to also live their real lives like this: letting the world only see the “picture perfect” parts of their lives. When we are not aware of doing this or when we do this more often than not, I believe it becomes dangerous for numerous reasons but mostly because 1) it is hard to consistently live a lie and can result in anxiety, depression, etc. and 2) we connect the most with people when they see our whole selves including the messy, not picture-perfect parts.

This past Tuesday was Halloween. I did not post the obligatory kid-in-costume photo or family-in-costume photo that night or even the day after (mostly just because I didn’t get around to it as a priority) but I sincerely love looking at the Halloween posts on social media - the kids in their animal costumes that make you want to eat them up, the families that pull off some amazingly creative matching costumes, the people that can manage to get their pets to keep their costumes on long enough for pictures AND a walk around the neighborhood, the couples that are apparently budding artists who carve pumpkins together for date night. I love it all.

Unfortunately, this was not us this year. LJ had a costume so that was a plus but poor Daphne (our dog) got neglected. I didn’t even remember to dig her costume out of storage and she didn’t even get a picture taken. Instead, she just barked ALL night at the trick or treaters. Not that she cared; I am just proving my point that this year I was far from those people who get their pets to keep costumes on AND walk around the neighborhood.

We were also far from that family that pulls off amazingly creative costume themes. Hell, I only managed to scrounge something together at 5pm the night of Halloween by digging out an old witch hat that I had from about 6 years ago when my sister Amy and I visited Salem. So I was a little festive but I was by no means in theme with LJ’s costume which was a dinosaur. Larry, stayed in his lounge clothes all night while he cooked (thank God!) and handed out candy.

We did manage to get pumpkins this year. Larry bought them back in September from our CSA. However, it is now November 3^rd and they still sit uncarved on our front steps. Whoops. Guess we didn’t get around to that! Even if we had gotten around to it, I’m guessing that any grade school kid could have probably done a better job AND it probably wouldn’t have been done over some romantic date night. Larry and I probably would have done it in a rush while LJ was napping or in a fog after LJ had gone to bed for the night.

Anyway, I really wish I could tell you all that we had a Halloween that rivaled what appears to happen in pictures in Home and Garden and on Pinterest. The perfectionist in me would love to be able to say that. BUT the human part of me knows that it is somewhat unrealistic and okay to be imperfect. In fact, it’s more than just okay to be imperfect, I’d argue it’s necessary to be imperfect in order to connect with others and build deeper relationships. So here you go, I am finally posting my obligatory Halloween photo (see above). And while I do have a better, more picture –perfect photo, I am choosing to post the imperfect one (LJ is giving me a look of disdain and I could critique myself to no end) to sort of parallel this blog post. I hope that you, too, are able to sometimes share your imperfect photos as well as your imperfect selves.

Note: I realize that blogging about an imperfect Halloween is far from sharing some of the larger, more shame producing imperfections that some of us deal with (addictions, relationship problems, health scares, etc). In a way, it’s like a “first world” imperfection. But hey, we have to start somewhere, right? Also, sharing those seemingly larger imperfections on the internet might not be the first place you choose to share your whole self. J

What If?

Harvey Weinsten, an American film producer and co-founder of Miramix, has recently been accused of numerous allegations of sexual harassment, sexual assault and rape.  I really didn’t know much about Weinstein until recently but according to Wikipedia, which is about all the further I care to look into the guy, he produced Pulp Fiction and Clerks and won an Academy Award for producing Shakespeare in Love.  He has also been the recipient of seven Tony Awards for producing plays and musicals, including The Producers.  The allegations against Mr. Weinstein stemmed from an investigatory news piece published by the New York Times on October 5, 2017.  You can read the story here: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/05/us/harvey-weinstein-harassment-allegations.html.  The investigation revealed allegations stretching over nearly three decades, including eight legal settlements.  Mr. Weinstein was recently fired by his company’s board of directors and expelled from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.  Great, right?  Not surprisingly, this self-proclaimed asshole doesn’t exactly think so.

I commend the Board for taking action.  The problem is, of course, that the action should have been taken decades ago.  Why didn’t the board terminate Mr. Weinstein after his second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth or seventh legal settlement.  One time may be an anomaly but after that, well, let’s just call it a pattern.  Perhaps the Board didn’t fire Mr. Weinstein because its by-laws prevented it, but I suggest to you another, more sinister reason probably underlies the utter failure to take action in the wake of eight different legal settlements for similar conduct—We simply do not believe women.  Anytime there is an allegation against a high-profile male figure, the general reaction is the same—She wanted it, she had buyer’s remorse, and she just wants money.  Contrast that with the narrative that is commonly attributed to the accused—He is a such a good guy, he is essential to the company, and he couldn’t have possibly done that.  Before any investigation, we already have started a script based upon contempt for the female accuser.  A woman who reports sexual assault or sexual harassment has to defend herself and her actions unlike any other crime.  For example, if my TV is stolen, the entire investigation starts from a place of accepting that a crime was committed and my TV, was in fact, stolen.  I don’t have to answer questions about whether I really wanted my TV to be stolen, or if I was showing it off by allowing it to be viewed through my window.  But if I report a sexual assault, the investigation starts from a place of disbelief.  It is not surprising that women don’t want to go to the police to be subjected to a cross-examination about what they were wearing, whether they resisted forcefully enough or whether they said no loudly and plainly enough. 

Knowing this, as a society we have the lost the right to act surprised or appalled when stories about Harvey Weinstein or Bill Cosby are published.  The question shouldn’t be how this could happen because we have tacitly accepted and therefore, created the conditions that enable and allow predators to prey.  Rather, the questions really should be why we don’t believe women and what would change if we did. 

The One Seemingly Unquestioned Act

"Who gives this woman to be married to this man?" I am not exaggerating when I say I literally wanted to walk out of the ceremony. I could not believe that I am here, in 2017...long after dowries, women obtained the right to vote, women in the work force...and I was hearing these words. I'm just going to be blunt. That's fucked up.

I will preface this by saying I have not been married. I am not opposed to it-in fact, I feel it is a very beautiful, intimate, loving commitment between two people who choose to embark on what could be a wonderful, enriching journey together. At some point in my life, I would like to reach that point with a partner because I do think it is valuable, beautiful, and the most intimate commitment one can make. That said, I definitely have opinions on what my marriage ceremony would look like...and it would not involve the sexism that is overt and inherent in nearly all wedding ceremonies.

It starts with the engagement. In heterosexual relationships, typically the man asks a woman's father for her hand in marriage. I have always said that if someone asked my dad for permission to marry me, I'd call it all off. Wtf. Seriously, wtf. Does anybody think about this? I understand it's "tradition" but when a tradition serves to uphold overt sexism in a society, I think it requires serious questioning and thought. Why would any man need permission from another man to ask a woman to marry him? Why is the woman's acceptance alone not enough? This harkens back to when women were essentially property and had no will of their own...merely pawns passed from one man to another. Yet, people still engage in this diminishing act today-and revel in it, if not require it.

While we're on the topic of engagement...why does only the woman wear an engagement ring? My view of a marriage is that both parties should be equally excited. Both parties would want to publicly demonstrate their commitment to each other, which can be a beautiful thing. So...again, I ask, why does only the woman wear an engagement ring? It serves as a sign that she is taken, claimed...yet the man has no such symbol. The engagement ring serves as a visual reminder that a woman has been spoken for by a man...a signal to all other men to back off...yet the man does not have anything, at this point, symbolizing his relationship to a woman.  Either both should have it or neither should have it. #sexist

The other thing that pisses me off about engagement rings is how ridiculous women act about them. Somehow, women's worth is measured by 1) the fact that they have one (or don't) and 2) how big it is. I do not understand why women don't think it is fucked up to measure one's self worth by the fact that some man gave her a ring. And I am not exaggerating. It's like a woman has "made it" once she has a diamond on her left ring finger. Trust me...I have been privy to many of these interactions. If you want a diamond, go buy one yourself. I've even been guilty of saying something about a ring just because I don't really think the act of getting engaged is that big of an accomplishment and I needed something to say, that is how ingrained it is for everyone to ask the woman about THE RING (talk to me when you're married and still happy in 25 years and then I'll congratulate you-but that's beside the immediate point). The ring is the main focal point of an engagement for a woman-which is also fucked up because the focal point should be the couple and their happiness.

Aaaaaaanddddd...still on engagement...the man is traditionally the one who is expected to propose. Yes, I saw the episode of friends where Monica proposed to Chandler and I was excited and felt liberated that a popular TV show would portray something so outside the norm. And yes, I am friends with one couple where the woman asked the man...so before anyone throws out the few anomalies to the rule-I am aware. That doesn't change the fact that the man, 99% more often than not, is given the power to decide if, when, and where to propose...and most times the woman is dangling wondering if and when it will happen. Again, I go back to partnership. It is beyond me, why, if this is truly an intimate and equal partnership, each party wouldn't make a decision together that they wanted to get married and then embark on the journey TOGETHER. Traditional, heterosexual proposals give the man all of the power, right from the get go. #sexist

Next up...bridal shower! It says it right there in the name! I've never heard of a groom shower. I do know some couples who have held a wedding shower for both-and thankfully, this seems to becoming more common-but the fact remains that I and many women I know have been invited to traditional bridal showers in the past year...with (yawn) traditional gifts centered either around the household or sex. Now, I'm not going to act like I don't like a good sex gift, but both of these are the traditionally typical roles a woman is expected to fill in the household. Why do most showers focus on these things? #sexist

Personally, I'd like a sex gift or two mixed in with some athletic gear that I'd actually use. If this is truly what a particular woman wants, go for it. What I am so tired of and irritated by is the unwillingness to have an authentic experience based on what friends know about the couple. A wedding shower could be going to a baseball game, if that's something the couple likes to do. It gets at what I think should be the main focus-celebrating a couple's desire to make the most intimate commitment to each other...not fulfilling traditional roles and stereotypes just because "it's always been done like this." It is atypically a celebration for the woman because this is the "biggest day of her life"...and yet, the man doesn't celebrate until his bachelor party, which is typically known as his last hurrah (hence, the strippers and strip clubs) before he becomes encumbered by the "old ball and chain" and proceeds to have a mundane, "settled down" existence (see rant below). How much more opposite in perspectives and views can you get?

So...we're not even to the ceremony yet, and we're mired in sexist traditions and actions. Sexist traditions and actions that women willingly partake in and promote. I get it, if you believe men are the head of the household, not to be questioned and a woman votes the way her husband tells her to...then this all makes sense in that world view. What I don't understand is all the women who believe women should have equal pay for equal work, equal representation in our government, that child rearing responsibilities are not solely women's work, and that women are independent beings, who still embark on this sexist journey without question!

Onward to the wedding preparation. It is my understanding and desire that marriage is an intimate partnership. This is not demonstrated in the wedding preparations at any time up to or really during the wedding. The preparation, in most situations, falls solely to the female. It is widely "known" that a wedding is the woman's "big day". In many cases, "common knowledge" tells a woman this is the best day of her life. Contrast that with the messages men get about their wedding day...here are a few if you can't readily think of any (though I know we all can)...ever heard of the old ball and chain? ever seen "game over"? Those are the messages men get from society...so on the one hand, this is the day most women aspire to and the best day of her life and on the other hand a man is preparing to end life as he knows it and get ready to, I don't know what...never have fun again?

If marriage is truly a partnership, why this diverging of messages? And why do we allow this mentality to continue? I'm sorry, but if my partner really thinks his life is altering that much by marrying me, I would be the first one to say, hey, man, don't do it! Go ahead-tell me it's all just joking around...but it is a lot more than that. The words we use and the sentiments that go along with them are extremely powerful narratives in our lives. So, here we are with the woman stressed out and planning the perfect day (because it will be the best day of her life) and the man may be consulted for an occasional seating arrangement or dance song. I will interject here that weddings are sexist, mostly to the detriment of women, but they are sexist for men, too. Why does it matter so much less what a man wants? It is his big day, too, and quite often the groom is like an afterthought thrown on top of the cake to complete the picture.

And then here we are...the actual wedding day. Although, white wedding dresses haven't always been a tradition, they soon rose in popularity and came to symbolize innocence and virginal purity. Really? Again, like I said...if you subscribe to a certain belief system, this might be a truly authentic choice for you. But...pretty much everyone I've ever seen married does not hold this belief system...that women should remain virginal and pure (and, I guess, as usual, no standards or double standards for the men)...yet they participate in a tradition that is a visual affirmation of cultures that punish unmarried women's sexuality. Is that really the message you want to send on a day that is about you and your partner intimately connecting and committing? Again, I just don't understand why people don't think about this.

(Side note-not along the sexist lines but I also don't understand why every wedding has to look pretty much the same...sure, there may be one or two different songs and someone may have sleeves or no sleeves on their white dress...but I can pretty much tell you what a wedding is going to look and feel like. Where is the personality and authenticity in that?! If this day is so special, shouldn't it look and feel like the two of you?! I heard someone had a Beetlejuice wedding because the couple loved Beetlejuice...so the wedding party dressed in that theme...and I thought, finally! What a fun wedding and what an expression of what that couple is! The way it's done for the most part...unless you look at their faces, every wedding looks like every other wedding, looks like every other wedding...ad nauseam.)

On to the ceremony...I will admit this has at least gotten better in recent history. However, I have literally been to weddings this summer that still invoke extremely sexist language during the course of the ceremony. (I'm not going to harp on this too much, because, as I said, it is getting better and I'm not writing a book, though it may seem it, and I think we all know the traditional sexist language of "obey".) That said, the wedding I was just at last week made a point to use equal language during the ceremony and still started out with, "who gives this woman to be married to this man?". Where is the disconnect? I don't understand the cognitive dissonance necessary to insist on language of equality during a ceremony and still engage in every sexist accompaniment in all other aspects.

Aaaaaaaannnnndddd...for the coup de grace...the woman changes her last name to the man's. And not only does she do this, typically, she's very excited about it! Because, I guess, that means you've made "it". Whatever "it" is. One question...why doesn't the man change his name? Why is the man's name given more weight than the woman's? Why doesn't the man have to trade in the identity he's held his entire life for a new one? I had a conversation with a coworker when I was in my twenties and he was arguing this point with me. I'm not unreasonable (I've been in agreement with a Republican before, for chripes sake, ha!) so I wanted to hear what could possibly defend the finishing stroke-the moment a woman is truly a completely different identity (yet the man remains the same...because I guess he didn't need a change to be "complete" or "worthwhile"). Maybe there was a valid reason I hadn't thought of. He started out with the age old, well, if you have kids, you want them to have the same last name as you. So I said, yes, I could understand that...so you could combine names and make a new one (I know a lot of people don't like hyphenated names and, personally, that would probably annoy me). I know people who have done that (think Brangelina, just with last names) or, weird, you could both take the woman's last name-it doesn't always have to be the man's. Well, that was unacceptable and he did not have any logical reason for discounting my two suggestions.

So, it boils down to tradition and the sexism inherent in that tradition. I will give you that one person is not a statistically significant survey-but I do know that more often than not, the woman willingly changes her name and is excited about that fact. And I don't need to do a research study to know this is socially engrained-a woman is socially conditioned and told all of her life that her wedding day will be the biggest and best day of her life and she starts writing her name in notebooks in third grade with the last name of the boy she likes. I doubt any boy has doodled in his notebook with hearts and his first name with the last name of the girl he likes, or a combination of both their names. What a woman is really doing is relinquishing her identity-who she was before and the connections and achievements she was associated with in her single life (think about it...even the term "maiden name" reeks of sexism and puritanical expectations). Men are never asked to do this and I would be willing to bet most wouldn't consider it and some would be offended by the suggestion. To add insult to injury, along with the name change, a woman becomes a Mrs. (unless she is "high maintenance "enough to demand Ms. at any time in her life...the nerve!) and a man is...still a Mr. Why do women have a title defining and based on marital status and men don't? #sexist

These are all sexist traditions that go unexamined, for the most part. And, as I said above, I get it if you're of a certain mindset. What I don't understand is women who claim to be progressive and feminist and then when it comes to their own lives and living out ideals that support those identities and ideals, this is the one seemingly unquestioned proceeding. I think it is time to start living our ideals. And if you claim to be a feminist and against sexism, then I passionately maintain it is time to start questioning what the entire marriage process symbolizes and if that fits with your belief system.